Niki Naeve

December 15, 2023

Dearest Dad,

I’m afraid that, once again, you have mistaken me for someone with unlimited time, energy and inclination to believe they can do a better job at a formal investigation than the DOJ, federal officers in Delaware, and/or a pack of trained lawyers regarding a laptop. 

Since this is your fifth email on this topic, I understand it is very important to you, but you may be surprised to know this subject is not paramount to my functioning. If you still insist that I need to drop everything to become fully informed on this topic, I will need you to free up my calendar.  I look forward to your complete treatises on hEDS, vascular compressions, occult tethered cord, CSF leak, rectocele, small vessel brain anomalies, and post viral syndrome.  I’m also interested in information pertaining to the genetic anomalies I’m a carrier for, which you may have passed on to me.  Please have them, along with a reasonable treatment plan, on my desk by the end of the week.

While you’re at it, I’ll need you to follow up with a half dozen doctor offices who have not returned several points of contact, track and obtain 35 daily medications and supplements, and sort and pack them for future travel.  And since you’re such a good sport I’ll need you to try a new one, Modifinil, after thoroughly reading the extra page of warnings it came with, and tell me if you get a rash.  As it is a controlled substance, if it works out, you’ll need to obtain a new prescription for it and one other controlled substance each month.

Meanwhile there are several desperate patients awaiting your rapid reply on Facebook.  One is considering hysterectomy but has been diagnosed with NCS; please advise.  Others would like you to review their imaging, offer opinions about which compressions should be addressed in which order, and comment about whether their symptoms such as cold hands, inability to eat and fainting are related.  Thank you.

Also, I will need you to make a program for tomorrow’s kirtan.  Please compile the set list, translate from Sanskrit, upload to my website and print out a QR code for the audience.  I’ll take care of the years of training and practice for the event.

Don’t forget to work up a gofundme for our community friends who are disabled and about to be out on the street in the cold this winter while awaiting vouchers.

Oh, and speaking of friends, I’ll need you to contact friends who might have known Rob, the producer at the Fine Arts Center when I worked there, who was senselessly gunned down while legally using right of way to his property last week because some asshole probably shouldn’t have owned a gun.  Please submit an appropriate eulogy.

Also please be informed I eat an autoimmune paleo diet and need all meals personally sourced hand-prepared.  I cannot have any grains, dairy, soy, nightshade vegetables or citrus. (Perhaps, if you ask nicely, your loving partner would be willing to assist you with us using her background and nutrition.) Breakfast is at 2pm (after I’ve slept the necessary 10-12 hours and taken three sets of meds which must be taken before meals.) Dinner is expected promptly at 7pm.

Next, can you please address the malfunctioning spigot in the shower at one of the Moab houses, regrout around the kitchen sink and all the showers, and solve the mystery of where the missing $350 photo disappeared so we can make a claim.  Please also tip the housekeepers and handyman and resubmit the master HOA policy to the mortgage company, as they have lost it again.  (Oh and the deductible has increased to 50k – don’t forget to inform State farm and update that policy, and also update my HOA dues autopay to correct for the new, increased dues.)

Then I’ll need you to set up my new laptop, make muscle balm and deodorant (since I can’t use any commercial products) and finish shopping, wrapping and shipping presents for the holidays.  You can just take yours home with you.

Once these things are underway, I’ll be asking that you to do a little empathy training for me.

To do so, I’ll need you be in a sufficient amount of pain; perhaps the easiest way to do this for you is to arrange another collision on your bike with a car (don’t die.)  Then catch a cold and deprive yourself of sleep for several days to achieve some facsimile of my level of pain and concentration.  Oh, and you’ll need to have your significant other punch you in the stomach each night after dinner, so the tummy ache is apparent.

I would also appreciate it if you would undergo bladder function testing for me, a precursor to proper diagnosis and possible surgery for the Occult Tethered Cord. It only involves putting a catheter up your urethra, sensors up your butt and areas between, then they will fill your bladder and ask you how you feel. No anesthesia allowed, I’m afraid.

Please then figure out how to get my most recent brain MRI from UCHealth to Dr. Klinge in Rhode Island.  There is no disk.  I have taken proscribed first steps and was supposed to receive an email outlining next steps.  All my other imaging is up on MyMedicalImages.com.  Please follow up and compile with the other imaging. Oh, and btw Klinge’s office was supposed to send a packet if info for my spot dec 28^th, including the address where I’m supposed to show up.  I’ve called six times.  Please follow up for me, would you?

Don’t forget you need to train yourself on WordPress, Logic and iMovie to complete and promote my upcoming album.  (Be sure to wear an old pair of glasses while doing this, so you can see the screen exactly as well as I do.)

Once all that is complete, I may have a minute to look into the matters you insist I offer an informed reply to.

Regards,

Your loving daughter (not your progressive ideas punching bag,)

Niki